Welcome to the Olympic Air-Farce!
February 12, 2002

Figure Boxing? Well here we are in the middle of the Salt Lake games and like all those previous the controversy has begun. Last night I settled in front of the TV, like most other sports enthusiasts, to catch up on the day's events and to watch the evening fare. First there was the disappointment at the cancellation of the Woman's Downhill, then the thrill of catching the Half-Pipe competition. My wife then joined me on the couch, knowing to my surprise, that I had no choice on either NBC or CBC but to watch Figure Skating. Apparently, the Canadian team of Sale and Pelletier had a great shot at a medal in that they were the recent World Champions. I donned my patriotic cap, a rum and coke and was assured by my personal colour commentator that she would get me through the competition. It would seem that from the get go, this would be a very interesting evening. In the warm-up, a collision between the Russian guy and the Sale set the stage for what was to come. The American team was flawless in their performance, but for some reason, they were not medal contenders. I went to the in-house commentator and was told that they were graded on both programs, long and short. Live and learn I say. One after the other they came and went. The Russians impressive as they were, were not flawless, and all the TV pundits and my personal colour commentator suggested that the Canadian team had a chance at Gold. After an hour and a half of enduring this, my first figure skating event, the Canadian World Champions skated to perfection. Not one slip. We thought, a Gold medal for Canada - cool. Then, as in the past, the arbitrary decision of others stopped the celebration dead. Canada was second. Skiing (Alpine and Nordic), Bobsleigh, Luge, Skeleton and Speed Skating are simple to decide, the fastest time wins. In Hockey the most goals win. Curling is decided by score. Ski Jumping is decided by distance. Figure Skating, is decided by a bunch of egocentric idiots that have probably been bribed (see boxing). Collusion is the norm in this sport (I use the term loosely) and has been for years. There is no doubt that the competitors are athletes, but it is impossible to determine a winner when a percentage of the total score is based on someone's opinion. The five judges from mostly Eastern Block countries voted for the Russians while the four judges from the West voted for the Canadians. This is the crux of the problem. Neither side is better than the other is. I am not singling out the five on the Russians' side; I am condemning all of them. It is a ridiculous way to determine the winner of such a high profile event. These people are so inconspicuously hidden away at these events I believe that they may be members of the witness protection program. Seeing that, "it is what it is", I say we make Don King the head adjudicator of Figure Skating worldwide. At least you would know what to expect and think of the purses for the events. In regard to judges, why not hire Ken Lay (ex Enron CEO) and his band of thieves. They are all currently looking for work and are all experts in the art of collusion, confidence games and bribery. What a joke! Rock on!

- Sall