One Canada
By Sall Goodman
December 20th, 2005

Sorry to get serious for a moment, but enough is enough.

I don’t know about you, but I have just about had enough of our friends to the south getting upset because we don’t like some of there policies.

To add fuel to the fire, our fearless leaders while out on the hustings have stated that we will not be forced into decisions that do not benefit Canada. I might add that all the leaders seem to be on the same page here (albeit Harper is moderate, but pro-Canada) – interesting, to say the least.

The US Ambassador to Canada, David Wilkins, a ‘good ole boy’ from Greenville SC, told our political leaders last week not to make US policy an election issue. In essence, like your mom used to say, “…if you can’t say something nice – don’t say anything at all!” What a load of bunk! Be a diplomat Mr. Wilkins, travel the country and find out what the people really think of your big fat finger in our pie! Threats are irrelevant to most Canadians just as they are to most Americans.

Apparently, the right wing US press is having a blast with our little country. Tucker Carlson, the idiot at MSNBC that couldn’t hold a job at Fox or CNN suggested that Canada is the retarded cousin that the US pats on the head once a year to be nice. To quote, “Anybody with any ambition at all, or intelligence, has left Canada and is now living in New York, Canada is a sweet country. It is like your retarded cousin you see at Thanksgiving and sort of pat him on the head. You know, he's nice but you don't take him seriously. That's Canada."
Neil Cavuto, Bill O’Reilly’s hard right kissing cousin over at Fox made similar comments scolding Canada for actually having an opinion. Whatever - must have been a slow news day in Iraq for Canada to get on the agenda? The URL’s are below.

Much to the surprise of the most powerful country on the planet, we do take issue with some of your policies. Trade, the environment and many other issues are on the election agenda and each leader in coming to the electorate with his or her opinion has every right to cite what Canada brings to the table. If that happens to be more or less, pro or con or any other stand that is not in conjunction with the US spin doctors – tough fu*&ing sh*&.

Ya, I know, the US can take over Canada whenever they want, apply economic sanctions, and all sorts of other bad stuff – so go ahead already.

I therefore won’t get any more political than I already have in this piece by suggesting a new political movement for Canada: The Sall Goodman Party.

The new SGP platform is as follows:

1. Get out of NAFTA and form a trade pact with all other countries on the planet except the US.
2. Increase tariffs on all trade with the US to 100%, essentially closing the border to all commerce.
3. All natural resources in this country would immediately be ours.
4. All US majority owned corporations in Canada, specifically those with anything to do with resources, would have to pay the new RCT (Retarded Cousin Tax) which would help incredibly with the loss of cross border traffic. The tax rate would be set at 75%, eventually increasing to 100% in the second fiscal year.
5. As our neighbors to the south have been suggesting, bolstering the border crossings with a greater army presence and allowing only those with passports to cross, would be implemented immediately. The SGP would replace all Canadian Customs Agents with the new Canadian Border Guard, which would have orders to shoot to kill should anyone violate the border restrictions.
6. To help support the previous point, Canada would immediately bring the entire Armed Forces home, increase the budget by 500% post guards along the entire border while the new CANADA WALL was built from sea to shining sea. This hopefully would make our American neighbors happy that all those terrorists would now be safely in Canada and could not get into the US.
7. All Canadians in the US that are working would be required to renounce their Canadian citizenship immediately and all the privileges that accompany it. All Americans working in Canada would be required to become Canadian citizens immediately. Dual citizenship would no longer be allowed.
8. All tax treaties with the US would be immediately renounced.
9. Income tax rates in Canada would be reduced to 10% flat rate. This would cause Canada to become the new Cayman Islands and large capital flows would come into the country. The 10% flat tax would fund all of our social programs.
10. We would immediately change names with Quebec and Alberta so each province would no what it is like to live in each place.
11. Our electoral system would change. Since each province has a legislature, wherever the Prime Minister is from is where the house would sit. This would solve the central Canada problem immediately.
12. Elections would be every 4 years on the US Thanksgiving Holiday, the third Thursday of November with the new election holiday across the country on both election day and the Friday following. That way, after you vote you could watch football all day.
13. Each province and territory would have equal representation – one person. The Prime Minister would be elected by the entire country. In essence, the new parliamentary system would consist of 10 provincial ministers, 3 territorial ministers and one prime minister. Party politics would be all but non-existent.

Other ideas that our caucus has come up with, make all the provinces separate countries, tell the Americans we are for sale, for the right price we will do whatever they tell us, change our name to the Northern United States with the State of Ontario etc. We figure this will fool most of the southeast US and probably some of the southwest. They will figure that we were always part of the US. Move Ottawa to Nunavut – make all the politicians live there.

If ya think real hard, what kind of an effect would these wonderful policies have in Rossland – HMMMMMMMM!

Let us know here at SG what the perfect political Canada would consist of, send us an email.

Anyway, one of my best friends is American and I must say, he an I are in agreement on the one thing that has kept us friends for over 35 years – An Ass*&e is and Ass*&e regardless of politics, religion, race, creed or colour. Are we both patriotic, absolutely do either of us give a shit as to what some idiot on TV says – absolutely not.

Merry Christmas to all and to all Rock-ON!
Sall

Link to CBC.ca article

Link to TheStar.com article